Posted by Afro on Sep 15, '06 5:31 AM for everyone A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why is your face elongated?"
 | How can you tell if an elephant is in your fridge?
Footprints in the milk. |
 | A man walks into a bank with a violin and says "OK you motherstickers, this is fuck up" |
 | "My wife's gone to the West Indies"
"Trinidad?"
"No, she went of her own accord" |
 | Knock, knock
Who's there?
Trappist monk. |
 | singleply wrote on Sep 15, '06, edited on Sep 15, '06 I say I say I say, my wife's gone to Jamaica.
West Indies?
No, of her own accord. |
| "My dog's got no nose."
"How does he smell?"
"He can't, he doesn't have a nose." |
| "I made my wife go to Jamaica."
"Jamaica?"
"Yes. Jamaica." |
| "My wife's got no nose"
"Jamaica?"
"Awful" |
 | A Guy Walks Into A bar ....
OUCH !!!!!
|
| "My dog's gone to Jamaica"
"Who's there?"
"Physician" |
 | Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She got caught and spent 15 years in prison.
|
| "What do you call a deer with no eyes?"
"I've no idea"
"Yes. That's right" |
| What do you call a deer with no eyes, and no legs? |
 | I used to do this all the time, back when I was earlier in time than I am now.
"Man walks into a pub. Ow! It was a metal pub."
"What's brown and sticky? Molasses."
"How do you get down off an elephant? Make an elephant mate with a duck and then harvest the fluff off the offspring." |
| Whats brown, made of wood and sticky?
A stick |
 | As twisted as it sounds, these are pretty funny all messed up. |
 | A guy walks into a diner and says, "I'll have an alligator sandwich, and be quick about it!" |
 | I say I say I say, my wife's gone to the West Indies.
Jamaica?
No, Georgetown.
______________________________________________________
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
"For fuck's sake, just open the door, I've left my keys inside."
______________________________________________________
Little Jack Horner,
Sat in the corner,
Eating his Christmas pie,
Stuck in his thumb,
Pulled out a refrigerator.
And said, "Shit, I could've choked on that."
______________________________________________________
"A banana that smells about this colour."
______________________________________________________
"You shouldn't be mixin' your toasted sandwiches, you're a rabbit."
______________________________________________________
"No chance. Even God can't putt straight with that." |
| A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "I know." |
| How can you tell when you've passed an elephant?
It's behind you.
|
| A snail wins the lottery and tells his snail friends what he's going to do with the money: "I'm going to buy a really fast car, paint a big 'S' on the side and drive really fast down the street so that everyone turns to look and says 'Look at that 'S' car go!'".
[Ian, I've still no idea] |
| taramw31 wrote on Sep 15, '06, edited on Sep 15, '06 How do you stop a rhino from charging?
I don't know. |
 | "What I actually asked for was a piano-playing dwarf". |
| moominply wrote on Sep 15, '06, edited on Sep 15, '06 "Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"The Interrupting Cow!"
"The Interrupting Cow who?"
"...moo!" |
| Roses are red
violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
and I'm seeing a therapist about it. |
Comment deleted at the request of the author. | Or my Gran's classic:
Q.What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
A. You can't wash your hands in a bison.
|
| When is a jar not a jar?
When it's a door. |
| Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: I don't like pea soup. |
| "My wife's had an accident on a volcano"
"Krakatoa?"
"No, she broke her leg"
"My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia"
"Singapore?"
"Terrible. And the rest of the band sucked too" |
| skinflaps wrote on Sep 15, '06, edited on Sep 15, '06 "How many lightbulbs does it take to change a psychiatrist?"
"Neither do you" |
| A man and a giraffe go into a bar. They pick out a window table, and the man goes to the bar to order some drinks. "I'll have a pint," he tells the barman, "and my giraffe will have six pints."
"Is that really a giraffe?" asks the barman.
The man gives him a funny look. "Yes." he says.
The barman, suitably chastened, pours the drinks, and the man goes off. Him and his giraffe quietly drink their pints, and the man comes up to get another round. "I'll have another pint, and my giraffe will have another six pints."
Barman pulls the pints, unable to entirely shake off the feeling that he's in some sort of joke. The man takes them away, and him and his griaffe quietly drink them.
Then they get up to leave, and as they' walking out of the pub, the giraffe falls down dead! And the man just keeps on walking.
"'Ere," says the barman, "you can't leave that there."
And the man says, "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe." |
Comment deleted at the request of the author. | A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my account." |
| How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. |
Comment deleted at the request of the author. | Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Someone told him to get a long thin dog. |
| Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm certain." |
| One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.
When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."
To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.
Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?" The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.
He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess it was the other one." |
 | A salmon runs into a wall and says "concrete!" |
 | Hickory Dickory Dock,
Three Mice ran up the Clock,
The Clock Struck one,
but the other two escaped with minor injuries |
 | Silly! : )
This was a great idea, Afro, it's like a joke a minute around here... Of course, I have none. |
| "My Grandad got really badly burned the other day."
"Really, how bad?"
"Well, they don't fuck around at the cemetery." |
| For Phil...
Judge: "Let me get this straight, Mickey. You wish to divorce Minnie because she's crazy?"
Mickey: "No, your honor, she's having sex with Goofy!" |
 | (Damn, I was too slow. I still say that joke is best when it is told with the punchline only.)
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because they have beaks. |
| What is long, hard, and full of seamen?
A beak |
| So the judge says to the little boy, "Do you want to live wiht your Mom?"
"No, she ties me up and starves me."
"Do you want to live with your Dad?"
"No, he gets drunk and hits me."
"Then who do you want to live with?"
"The New York Yankees, they win all the time"
|
 | tooplyshy wrote on Sep 16, '06, edited on Sep 17, '06 Adam is starting to get bored, so God tells him that he will put him to sleep and when he wakes he will have a mate that will cook and clean, bare children, never complain and satisfy his every whim.
When Adam asks the price of this God tells him it'll be an arm and a leg.
Adam says, "Hmmm, what can I get for a collar bone?" |
 | imply wrote on Sep 16, '06, edited on Sep 16, '06 Girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman pours her one. |
| imply wrote on Sep 16, '06 What do call a man with a spade in his head?
Dougal! |
| Q. What do you call a man with three pices of wood through his head?
A. Dead. |
| Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in
the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, "Jesus backs up his files."
|
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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "I know." 