Why, oh why, do I only get a magical burst of energy when it does me the least good? Everyone's asleep, I haven't watched TV in months, the internet's okay, I'm not hungry, it's too late to swim, it's too dark to skate...
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bored - I don't really get bored - but what the hell good can come from being awake before the sun comes up?
If anyone knows a trick to making yourself tired, share it with me. So far, all I've come up with are the following:
-Talk on phones at work all day
-Try to stay up all night, and really mean it
-Tylenol PM
-Asphyxiation
-Watch the first hour of "The Deer Hunter"
-Watch the first hour of paint drying
-Paint "The Deer Hunter" on the wall and watch it dry
-Watch any Christopher Walken appearance on Saturday Night Live and pass out laughing, especially "The Continental." I would consider going gay for Christopher Walken, but then laugh uncomfortably at the actual thought and take a cold shower, followed by an application of sandpaper to my eyes for a few hours. That's just wrong.

What do YOU do to fall asleep?

Dear Dave Brockie,
What in the hell is this shit?
Long time Gwar fan,
Jeff

Mr. Brockie is one of the creative forces behind Gwar. Though not an original founding member, he has been around since their first album as the lead singer (before that, he was actually their bass player). As many of you know, Gwar has been as much an influence on me as, say, walking. Not satisfied with only being part of a (n ass kicking) gimmick band, he formed another gimmick band called X-Cops with a few former Gwar members. X-Cops was fucking awesome and you need to hear them at least once before I kill yo---you die of completely natural circumstances with no suspicious activities surrounding your death.
Not satisfied with being Dave Brockie, the man of two awesome gimmick bands who still kinda sound the same, he decided it was time to branch off and demonstrate his ability to.... sound exactly like Gwar but not as funny. Or as good.

A quick look at the song titles will prove my case as to the low quality of this album, including the fact that the term "pussy farted" appears on TWO DIFFERENT SONGS*.
Damn That Money (the most annoying song to wake up to EVER)
*Slowpoke (dirty, dirty song, not funny)
**Should the Ugly Girl Blow Me? (Not funny, but the chorus sounds okay)
The Chinese Have No Cheese (almost funny, but not)
Music is Like Beer
*Hard for a 'Tard (Gwar themes, shit song)
I Wanna Be a Squirrel (SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE SHIT)
**Shatilla (SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE GWAR)
He's Going Crazy
**Make Money Off Your Friends (SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE GWAR)
Dog Log
**Slips of Paper
March of the Faggot Soldiers (despite the name, almost a decent song)
Hey Buddy
Medieval Werewolf
**Churchmouse in the Snow (Is this an attempt at art? Not too bad, though...)
Isn't it Grand Boys? (Mocking euro-drinking songs... didn't Gwar do that?)

** denotes decent/good songs

Though comparisons to Gwar were inevitable, I think he could have tried a little harder to sound decent. The "humor through vulgarity" approach can be highly successful, but it just flops all over the place here.

Dave, I know you can sing, I've heard it before. What happened on this?

This hat is everything I hoped it would be, and more! Actually, that's kind of a lie. I hoped it would also come with a few hundred dollars, but I didn't expect it. So, technically, it's everything I expected it to be, and more!
Excellent quality mesh trucker hat with the logo printed onto it, which allayed my fears of receiving a cheap ass hat with a sticker on it. I figured I could then use the sticker for a stencil and spraypaint it on, but now I won't have to waste a perfectly good can of spraypaint on something that isn't a wall.
My only complaint is the same complaint I have with everything: they just don't make shit for descendants of giants. I'm a big sonofabitch, and according to my old friend Bryan Tanner, I've "got a huge head." I have to have this hat adjusted to its biggest set to fit comfortably, one click smaller and it's decent, though I can't blame anything but Mendelian genetics for having a big head (thanks Dad).
So run off and get yours! Or maybe get a shirt or something... Sarah's selling it, she needs the money for coke or beer or a new house or something.

Farmer tan not included.

First of all, NO THAT ISN'T JACK NICHOLSON, MR. SPOCK, AND DUSTIN HOFFMAN. This review is a mega super 3 album review of Leonard Cohen, and all you have to do is say "Neemor schwinky tow."

Did you say it? Good.

Now that your soul is mine, I can continue.

For anyone who's never heard of him before, let me tell you this: you aren't ready. First, you'll have to take a deep breath. Now, hold it until you either pass out or die. Assuming you're still alive and are likely now conscious, you may want to drink something strong, like paint thinner or glass shards. It's gonna be one of those days.

Leonard Cohen is a fucking genius. I say that in the sense that he's way smarter than me or you and would never use a word like "smarter." He'd choke slam your chihuahua if it annoyed him. Leonard Cohen would skin his own grandma alive if it meant that he could get a new shower curtain. He'd eat his own fist if he so much as thought about it. He'd piss on a leper's face just to watch the look in their eyes. He'd eat a live cow starting from the ass, just because.

He is Leonard Cohen, and we are not.

That's the kind of genius Leonard Cohen is. He's so good that you might not even realize it until you're on your death bed, attempting to tell your only child the ultimate wisdom you've learned in life, and you wind up saying "Holy shit, that guy's fucking good," just as you flatline, sending everyone into a panic trying to figure out what it was, exactly, that you meant. They might even make a movie about it, similar to Orson Welle's "Citizen Kane" where everyone tries to figure out who, exactly, is "fucking good."
The albums we have on the showroom floor today are actually his first three:
-Songs of Leonard Cohen
-Songs From a Room
-Songs of Love and Hate

Mr. Cohen doesn't really sing, but he doesn't really NOT sing, either. He pretty much implies the concept of singing in his songs, but they are so well written that it doesn't matter. In fact, it drives the point home, like hitting a nail on the head with an F-16

Picking a favorite of these three is next to impossible for me. It's like asking a mother to choose which one of her children should die, but her favorite is the only one with a good life insurance policy so she isn't really sure what to do. I suppose that if I had to, it would be SONGS OF LOVE AND HATE, since it has "Last Year's Man" and "Diamonds in the Mine," but that would imply that the other two are somehow inferior. But the truth is that WE are the only things inferior when dealing with Leonard Cohen. Just listen to "Teachers" on "Songs of Leonard Cohen," you'll realize that you couldn't even fathom having a dream where you realize how cool it is to be Leonard Cohen. How else could you explain a line like "I met a man who lost his mind in some lost place I had to find. 'Follow me,' the wise man said, but he walked behind," without having your forehead rupture and spray brain fragments all across the lawn?

Without going into further detail, let me just say LABLJEOIBJHOHE. If you don't know what that means, just hit random buttons on your keyboard with CAPS LOCK on and you'll understand what just transpired. Basically, you just need to hear some Leonard Cohen.

Highlights: Teachers, Last Year's Man, Diamonds in the Mine, Story of Isaac, SUZANNE, The Butcher, Tonight Will be Fine, A Bunch of Lonesome Heroes.

This is fucking crazy.


No, seriously.


It's fucking crazy.


I found it in a used record store on the east side of Salt Lake, and I wasn't sure what to make of it. The album was white (including the plastic backing), had THRONES - KRS283 written on the side in a font Sepultura uses, and had a paper cut-out picture on the front with THRONES written in gangsta style Old English. The KRS part was confusing, since I'd always associated that with KRS-ONE, the rapper. I decided to give it a listen.
I was there with a friend, who was browsing their selection on his own, until he saw the look on my face while I was listening to... whatever the hell I was listening to. He described my expression as a cross between danger, confusion, and discovering a tub full of corpses.
That pretty much describes the music, too.
It's extremely slow and drawn out most of the time, in much the same way Doom Metal does, but with a... well, it sounds... God, I don't even know what to say.
Take some heavily distorted guitars, a TR-808, a vocal synthesizer and give it to a group of autistic children, and you've got the first song, Oso Malo. You're never really sure if you're listening to something great or terrible, or if it's some kind of inside joke that sounds sorta cool.
Nuts and Berries is on a similar journey into WTF, but with more... uhh... predictability?
MANMTN doesn't have the vocal synth of the previous songs, but it still makes you wonder what kind of drugs were available in the recording studio these guys were at. They must have been pretty good. Or bad.
Acris Venator is a one instrument (?) instrumental, which means they were low on drugs so only one person showed up. Or is there only one person in the band? I'm confused, I want to go home.
Django is a remake of the cult spaghetti western of the same name. Even if the rest doesn't appeal to you, the album is easily worth owning for this song.
Ephraim is another instrumental, this time with some type of bass, and I think there are two of them. Somewhere along the way, a bunch of other guitar and drum-like noises happen, but then decided they were too tired to stay and had to go home after 10 seconds. Maybe the bass isn't cool enough for them.
The Anguish of Bears is an excruciatingly slow song, in much the same vein as the Doom Metal I mentioned earlier. Part of it reminds me of the theme song to the original 8-bit Nintendo's Metroid, which is actually a plus.
Obolus... once again, I find myself at a loss for words to describe it, but I'll try. I think the only appropriate format is search engine word spamming: Computerized singing words synth - 2 minutes later - guitars programmed drums computerized singing words ride cymbal crazy disjointed meandering more crazy guitars - 8 minutes later - ambient bass wind alien planet noises WHO'S WHISPERING IN MY EAR ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME KILL - 2 minutes later - Frogs. For 33 minutes. Frogs.

Now, if that didn't get you rushing to the store, I... can't blame you. It's definitely too fucking weird for 99% of humans, and for the remaining 1%, we understand that it probably just sucks. But it's different, and that Django remake is really, really good. And I like it.

It's Stevie Wonder. That's all I really have to say, but I'll say more.

Disc one kicks off with Superstition, then follows up with You Haven't Done Nothin' and Living for the City. Wow, that's a powerful combo, and it just knocked out Winky Wright.
Next is Front Line, which I don't really care for, but it still isn't bad.
Superwoman (WWYWINY) is an absolute motherfucking classic in every sense of the word. I'm gonna have to stop this review for a few minutes so I can groove out to it.

Okay class, pencils down.
The rest of Disc I includes Send One Your Love, You Are the Sunshine of My Life, and RIbbon in the Sky, which are all stellar (especially the first two).

Disc II, not wanting to be outdone, starts off strong with Higher Ground (see also: Red Hot Chili Peppers remake) and Sir Duke, two songs that refuse to be fucked with and will gladly take the food right off your Taco Bell tray and eat it in front of you. Next is the mediocre reggae jam Master Blaster (Jammin') which isn't bad, but neither is losing a $5 bet over a boxing match.
Boogie On Reggae Woman has one of the most unintelligible chorus lines ever, and I'd probably have no idea what he was on about had it not been the name of the song. It sounds like "So Boo Ree Awraywa'an."
That Girl reminds me of something Warren G would have sampled back in the early '90s, and I wouldn't be surprised if someone did.
I Wish... I won't fuck this great song up with words about it.
Isn't She Lovely? Yes she is, but not as lovely as most of the other songs on here.
Do I Do just straight kicks ass. It also crooked kicks ass and sideways kicks ass, so watch yours.

Once again, I feel it necessary to explain myself in rating albums the way I do. Musical talent is part of it, style another, but the key in it all is its personal relevance. How did it make me feel when I first heard it? What was happening in life when I came across it? How do I relate to the lyrics?

It's a very biased system, I know, but that's how I work.

Everything Alice in Chains has ever done means a lot to me, mainly because they always seemed to release an album I loved at the exact moment everything around me seemed to turn to shit, and the depressing feel to their songs always made me feel better about myself, in much the same way an old friend who's going through worse can make you feel better. No matter how bad things get for you, their strength and perseverance inspires you to say "fuck it" and keep moving on, undaunted by life's speed bumps.
Jar of Flies came out in 1994, a year I would have hated except that there was so much good music released by so many bands in a freakishly short period of time, and in all genres of music as well. AIC definitely didn't disappoint me in this follow up to 1992's Dirt, which also came out in a year wrought with bad times.
Boasting a jazzy sound on a few songs, not to mention an awful lot of clean (read: distortion free) guitars, Jar of Flies is a testament to each member's abilities on their respective instruments. Sean Kinney's drums continue to frustrate the hell out of me and make me consider picking my dusty guitar up, then Jerry Cantrell's guitar work makes me want to quit trying altogether.

Maybe I should take up panhandling.

Layne Staley's voice has been (unsuccessfully) emulated time and time again over the years, most obviously by Godsmack (who even took their name from a song on Dirt), but that hasn't deterred me from feeling somehow at ease when I hear his singing voice.
Whale & Wasp stands out, being that it's the only instrumental on the album (and possibly on any of their discography, but I can't remember right now). Rotten Apple was always a favorite, and Swing On This always captivated me with its jazzy feel and drums. I Stay Away, if I recall, was the first (if not only) single released from this relatively short album, but it was excellent nonetheless. Actually, I think No Excuses was too, but the only thing that really stands out about that song in my eyes (or ears, as it may be) is the drumming, which sounds deceptively simple.

My only complaint about this album would have to be the brevity, as it only has 7 songs. Oh, and my copy is missing the little plastic flies in the case.

It may seem like I'm handing out 5 star ratings like poisoned Halloween candy, but these are albums that are personal. By that, I mean I'll personally kick your face in and bury you alive in my backyard if you badmouth them or even get a glint in your eye that upsets me.
While that may be a blatant lie, I am very fond of certain albums, even if I don't like every song on it (the Portishead self-titled and Atmosphere albums both feature songs I don't like, but the ones I do heavily outweigh them). When dealing with Faith No More, they don't have a single song I so much as dislike since Mike Patton joined back in '8.... wow, am I really that old?
They released an album called "The Real Thing" when he joined, which was technically their third (after We Care A Lot and Introduce Yourself). Maybe they had other stuff, but I don't really care. A lot. The Real Thing was mostly known for the song Epic, which featured a fish flopping around at the end of the video that every vj on MTV and dj on the radio had to comment on during the piano part. A great album, though it definitely sounded like an album from '88.
After 4 years of no new material, they released what I feel was their best and most bizarre album, Angel Dust. It touched on every style of music you could imagine, and did so unapologetically with iron boots on, as if to say, "yeah, we can do that, but we can do it better." Everyone should check this one out.
A few years later, they released "King for a Day..." (Barry, I checked the discography on their website and it does say "Fool for a Lifetime" at the end). Barry/gnomethang already reviewed that, so go read that. Right now. Wait, read this first, then go read that.
Somewhere along the way, they released a short EP called "Songs to Make Love To," but since I don't have that so you'll just have to pretend there's some cutting edge witty remark about it here.
Next, after only 2 years, they released "Album of the Year" in 1997. This is where the review actually begins, and also where I'm gonna have to search you for weapons. Up against the wall.

Album of the Year is facetiously named, but not because it's a bad album. In fact, it kicks so much ass that I can't sit down for weeks after listening to it, but maybe that just means I shouldn't eat so many jalepenos and chili. More than likely, it was named such because most critics are easily corrupted cretins who would gladly sell a good review for a few dollars more (A Few Dollars More, incidentally, is a really good movie with Clint Eastwood), and they would most certainly miss a stellar album by a band that seemed to fade into obscurity after a few radio hits close to a decade prior. Ironic title, which is made even more ironic by the ironic title of a Mike Patton side project with Dillinger Escape Plan called "Irony is a Dead Scene." So much irony here that pregnant women should take it in pill form.

As many of you know, I like to write a lot sometimes. This is one of those times. Prepare yourself as I describe each individual song to some extent.

Collision, the first song, feels like just that. It starts out instantly, like the song was driving way too fast down the street, ignoring the posted 25 speed limit in favor of something closer to triple digits when it collided with your head, so you'll have to spend the next few weeks recuperating in the hospital. You could probably sue, I'll bet you'd get a lot of money out of this.

Stripsearch is one of my favorite songs. Ever. It demonstrates Mike Patton's ability to sing gibberish and make it sound GOOD, since you'll spend several minutes trying to decipher the first line he sings, but it's just noises that sounds like "I OH I HO OOO." Maybe it's some sort of crazy near-palindrome that I'll never understand, or the scientific formula for eternal life, but it's probably just something he read written above the urinal in the bar down the street.

Last Cup of Sorrow is more likely than not about alcoholism, but I like to pretend it's about a rare breed of venomous monkey that burrows under your house and kills you in your sleep, then wears your skin and pretends to be human. It goes to your job, collects paychecks, and generally just takes your place in life, until it succumbs to the temptations of being a killer venomous monkey and kills again. It's not easy being venomous.

Naked in Front of the Computer is a great name, because it's exactly what I am right now.
Now that I've sufficiently traumatized you, let me say that that's a lie. I'm actually to the side of the computer, the monitor's the only thing in front of me. This song is extremely frantic, which is great because, other than Collision which starts out with a heavy kick to the skull, the previous songs have been mellow. Very mellow. And the next song encroaches on Country music territory.

What?

Helpless starts off with a gentle acoustic guitar line and a soothing drum beat, which is uncharacteristically conventional for drummer Mike Bordin. Halfway through the song, it becomes more revealing of its name, gains some distortion and a slightly altered feel to it, until peaking and coming back to its near-country sound, before going back and finishing off with screams of 'HELP!" over fading background music.

Mouth to Mouth... I don't even know where to begin. Imagine Belgian folk-polka but with guitars and ass kicking and keyboards and singing and yelling and anger and a groovy beat you can't help but nod to. Any song that talks about being able to dress up a dead man, but not bringing him back to life is okay in my book.

Ashes to Ashes is their way of saying "sorry we're messing with your head so much. Here's a standard Faith No More song. Enjoy." If these guys have a single style that they've kept for years, it's the laid back, mellow style in this song. Remember, I said "If."

She Loves Me Not features strange timing, like 8/7, 9028/840935, or 854/1, but I don't really know what those numbers mean because I've never taken lessons, so I don't understand your "music math." I just know that the timing is not 4/4, which I think means you give high fives to 4 other people, but you have to tuck your thumb in.
Has a "piano bar" sound to it, which is good, and very mellow, which is nice because this album is really pleasant to lis--

OH MY GOD WHAT'S HAPPENING

Got That Feeling just broke into your house and is beating you with a sledgehammer, then stops for a minute to scream at your cat and put it in the blender, then kicks out your windows, sets the kitchen on fire, pisses on the silverware, then comes back into your room to beat you with the shower curtain rod. Then, as quick as it came in, it leaves.

But it's okay.

Paths of Glory is here to sympathize with you. You're feeling upset about your cat being pureed, and PoG is sad too. It's seen plenty of blood and killing, so it's just hanging out, willing to listen and maybe reveal a few sad feelings of its own over a beer. Things will be okay. You're at home.

Home Sick Home. It just doesn't feel the same anymore, so you've spent a long time sleeping in the park with that bum who drinks piss for money, and you've decided maybe it's time to go back.

Which leaves us on the last song.

Pristina. Somewhere between a love song, a stalker song, and a song about brushing your teeth lies Pristina.

It sucks.

Sole is a member of Anticon, a collective of individuals who are highly regarded for their eccentricity and innovation. Also, they're fucking weird.
What always struck me were their intellectual and cynical lyrics. The only downfall is several of them have a voice that gets tiresome after too much listening. Sole is one of these.
Luckily, he's fucking good. The beats he rhymes over are usually beyond stellar, and his abilities seem to keep in step with no problems. Occasionally one is better than the other, but it's never enough to ruin the song.
Anticon is often called "college rap," and... well, it is. Listen and you'll see what that means. It's not necessarily a negative term, but it really isn't intended as positive either. Whatever. Good album.

Atmosphere is comprised of a rapper and a DJ from Minnesota, which seems odd to most people hearing it for the first time. Over the course of the last decade, hip hop has proven itself to be quite an underdog while also a titan, as some of the best material is coming from unlikely sources away from the usual rap giants of New York, LA, and little brothers Chicago and Philadelphia.
Slug/Sluggo is responsible for the lyrics, which seem extremely harsh while retaining a self-aware doubt and disdain that resides in so many of us, which is the aspect that caught me with such a strong chokehold. Songs like "F*@K You Lucy" include close-to-home lyrics that involve an inability to abandon feelings for a former love who still wants to be friends, and yet he still tries. The line "Fuck you Lucy" is meant as a term of love and hate at the same time, as it is followed by a description of how she defines all he lives for but can't have, and includes the lyric "I wanna say fuck you, because I still love you... no, I'm not okay, and I don't know what to do."
The lyrical writing and verbal delivery is amazing throughout, though after nonstop listening over the course of the last 3 years, the only songs that really stand out anymore are "F*@k You Lucy," "Saves the Day," "Lovelife," "Breathing," "Vampires," "A Girl Named Hope," "Modern Man's Hustle," "One of a Kind," and "Blamegame." Or, in other words, the fourth song and the last half of the album.
I would have preferred to give this 4.5 stars, but since that's not an option, I had to go with 5 since I'll listen to this album any time I so much as think about it.

Ah, yes, the elusive five star rating. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, as is it in the ear of the same. Beth Gibbons has a voice that turns me stupid inside and out, and I wish it would never stop. From the taunting, omenous vocals of "Cowboys" to the most incredibly beautiful voice I've ever heard on "Undenied," which has the distinction of bringing tears to even ol' Afro's eyes on occasion. I don't even know the lyrics, but the way it's sung, coupled with the gorgeous compression-laden beat seems sad in a way that seems somehow romantic and beautiful. Yeah, I'm a softee at heart, go fuck yourself.
This is an excellent album to familiarize people with hip-hop beats in a way that they don't immediately dismiss it as a lazy art form, or dismiss sampling as uncreative.
I couldn't find my copy of "Dummy," which is a better album (in my mind), but "Undenied" is undoubtedly my favorite Portishead song.

Sam Cooke is fucking awesome. Beyond that, all you need to know is that you might recognize songs like "Good Times," "Rome Wasn't Built in a Day," and "Another Saturday Night" (which was remade by Cat Stevens, and probably others). There's also a bizarre rock version of "Tennessee Waltz" that's pretty good. Not quite good enough for five stars, so four should be good.

The Dead Milkmen are a very... interesting band from Philadelphia. I wasn't really sure how to start a review on an album of theirs, but that's about the best I could come up with. Whether you know it or not, you've probably heard their song "Punk Rock Girl" from the album Beelzebubba, which was my other candidate for review, but I decided on this album for a few reasons. First and foremost, for the title "Not Richard But Dick." The other reason being the fact that it's a much less known album.
You may think I chose it because of the mention of the word "Dick." You're right, but not for the reason you think. You see, my stepdad's name is not Richard, but Dick. His official real pure non-edited name is Dick L. Williams. The L. doesn't stand for anything, and the name "Dick" is not a shortened version of Richard, so he is "Not Richard, But Dick." The only way he could have been named more accurately is if his parents had named him "Asshole."
Anyways, this is a music review. On with the music.
The Dead Milkmen have a very original sound, one that reeks of punk-but-not-quite and can't really be pigeon holed aside from that description. Using very little, if any, distortion in their songs, they still manage to rock the hair off your teeth when they feel the need, although they often take a mellow approach with some fantastic melodies and excellent songwriting.
Not Richard, But Dick is no exception.
Although rather short, it is a stellar album from the minute "Leggo My Ego" begins without any sort of intro, to the final loopy flute licks of "The Woman Who Was Also a Mongoose." But the music is only part of the treat, as the lyrics are quite an attraction on their own. Rather than go through every line on the album, I'll summarize each song the best I can and include some of the best lines.
1. Leggo my Ego - Basically, a song about being crazy. "I try to keep a lid on my crazy Id, I don't know what I did." "My psychoanalyst says I gotta tend my mind. Like a garden I gotta weed it from time to time."
2. I Dream of Jesus - His mom finds Jesus trapped in a liquor bottle, and can summon him just like a genie from an old TV show (I Dream of Jeannie). He thinks this will make him popular, but it winds up making everyone hate him and call him "bottle boy." Eventually, he gets sick of harassment and threats toward his family, so he releases Jesus (hey! that rhymes! why isn't that in the song?) and uses his wish to have Geena Davis go to the prom with him. "It was during my second senior year when mom found Jesus Christ..." "It was also around this time that mom began to attract some pretty weird followers, like that guy who never used deodorant and spoke only in riddles. And that woman, who collected 19th century hand made Amish swim wear." "When the smoke cleared, I found myself face-to-face with the son of God, who is much shorter than I expected."
3. Jason's Head - I'm honestly not really sure what it's about, but it's a good song. From what I can tell, it's about a girl who decapitated "Jason" and hid his head in a ditch. "Jason said he's gonna get you into bed, but when he does, in the morning you'll be dead." "We're goin' down, down, down, to the ditch, where she said she hid what's left of Jason's head.".
4. Not Crazy - A song about not being crazy, among other things. Talks about having a clapper, tons of records, magazines that will never be read, pondering such things as what items he owns that could be swallowed or take out an eye (and what people in China think when they make them), and cooking his cat (but he won't, because his friends would freak out). "I'm not crazy, I'm merely entertaining the thought of going insane." "The ballgame must be over now, maybe they'll show a movie... from the '80s... and I'll wonder what it would be like to live back then at the age I am now." "Feeling the meat on my cat, wondering what it would be like to cook her, but I won't, because it would cause a terrible fuss among my friends"
5. Let's get the Baby High - Too goddamned funny. Crazy voices debate the benefits and disadvantages of getting a baby high. Includes sounds of a baby laughing with reverb. Incredible song.
6. Little Volcano - About a redheaded kid who freaks out. Not the first song they've written about volcanoes (see "Born to Love Volcanoes" on Beelzebubba). Decent song, not my favorite lyrics, but well written nonetheless.
7.Nobody Falls Like - ?? Upbeat, fucking crazy song. "Why don't you get out of my head? Why don't you get out of my head? Why don't you get out of my head? Why don't you get out of my head? You put something in my skull! You put something in my skull! You put something in my skull! You put something in my skull!"
8. I Started to Hate You - Fairly self explanatory song about why he started to hate you. Not much else to speak of, but worth hearing.
9. The Infant of Prague Customized My Van - Funky as fuck. One of the best songs you'll ever hear. Religious, old, dead people don't decay like the rest of us. "Believe it or not, some saints don't rot; their bodies don't decay. While most of us just turn to dust, ???? pass away."
10. The Woman Who Was Also a Mongoose - Explains itself. Bizarre. Good. Just listen to it.

Unfortunately, this album has been out of print for quite some time, so I'm lucky to have it and you may never hear it. If you can't find it but want to hear it, you could e-mail me and we'll figure something other than trading mp3s, because that's illegal and wrong and doesn't give money to the greedy RIAA bastards.

On my way to have my fingerprints taken downtown, I found a dollar 30 feet away from where I parked. It was folded in half, sitting in plain sight with some crackhead/crazy homeless person nearby. I figured it was either a trap or was laced with some crazy drug. Hoping for the latter, I picked it up and was relieved that it wasn't covered with feces. Not that that would have deterred me, but I'm still glad.
Starting with five stars, I have to deduct one right away since it's dirty and only in "decent" condition, but at least it's in one piece and not torn anywhere. I have to deduct one more point because it made me think of sweaty ass cheeks and I don't really know why, but that can't be a good thing. Plus, it's only a dollar. In fact, the only reason this is higher than a 1 or a 2 star rating is because it wasn't a penny or a nickel. Or a raisin. I hate raisins.